So near

Dear Dave,

Although Father's Day was a long time ago, the saga of the flood had already begun. I was really hoping it would have ended last week. A plumber and a joiner were supposed to come out and stop a pipe from rattling every time anyone went past. It never rattled before we had all the work done, so the insurers agreed to get it sorted ages ago. It's the equivalent pipe of the one next door which fractured and caused all the problems in the first place, so I'd really like it sorted and, after a couple of months of dragging their heels, the workmen were supposed to be here on Thursday.

Their firm went bust the previous Monday.

We're back to square one. It will probably be weeks now before the insurers find someone else to do it. In the meantime, whenever a child bounces along the hall and the nearest radiator makes a noise like it's been struck by a hammer (Gu-DONK!), I have visions of some poorly-welded joint under the floorboards finally giving up the ghost and the beginnings of another nine months of tradesmen and loss adjusters.

It's not good for my health.

I've tried to convince the children to tread lightly in the area. Unfortunately, Lewis has the stealth capabilities of a small elephant. He thunders down the stairs and thuds along towards the front door like Dumbo after a peanut. Gu-DONK!

Frequently, Fraser tells him off. "Don't jump on this bit of floor." He indicates the exact location by standing on it. Gu-DONK!

"I heard the pipe go Gu-DONK!" says Marie, running out of the kitchen and along the hall. Gu-DONK! "See!"

"I wasn't jumping," says Lewis. "I was running like this." Gu-DONK! Of course, then he has to go back along the hall to get to where he really wanted to be. Gu-DONK! And Marie has to return to the kitchen. Gu-DONK! They sprint into each other and fall over.

Thud. Gu-DONK! Gu-DONK!

Fraser runs for help... Gu-DONK! ...but trips over the other two. Gu-DONK! They all jump up. Gu-DONK! Gu-DONK! Gu-DONK!

Then they decide to dance.

I thunder down the stairs to shout at them and arrive on the scene with a thud. GU-DONNNNNK!

Before I can say anything, they all tell me off for not being careful and then make a big show of tip-toeing away from the scene.

That distant thudding sound you can hear - it's me banging my head off a wall...

Yours in a woman's world,

Ed.