Thank you for your very positive reply to my first letter. The revolution has begun. Housedads of the world unite! Let's make people realise that men can look after children too. The time has come for us to march on Downing Street and make our demands for a more equal society:
- Derogatory comments which assume any man solely in charge of a child is a Sunday parent are to be banned. No old lady who walks straight into a male-driven pushchair causing a pile-up shall be allowed to get away with saying, 'Looks like you need a bit of practise, dear.'
- Baby facilities accessible to dads in public places will smell as nice as the ones available for mums. (And we want the comfy chairs too. We know they're in there).
- Mums are to be forbidden from looking at us sideways when they learn that some misguided career woman has left us caring for her offspring all day.
- We want higher prams.
- We want bigger biscuits. (Not that mums already have bigger biscuits but it's worth having something to bargain away and, you never know, we might be able to slip it past Tony).
- We want lower…
Maybe we could put the kids in balaclavas…
No, better leave them out of this and struggle on.
I always think that being a househusband must be a bit like being a female car mechanic. Members of the opposite sex just don't take you seriously. For goodness sake, it's as if they think we don't know a baby's backside from its elbow and that's the first lesson you learn, believe me… Of course, for the full effect, it's best to strap a baby to your front using one of those carriers and then go to the shops. If the baby is facing outwards then every female you meet will spend the entire time talking to your chest. It's a salutary experience. Maybe we're not the only ones with demands to make. Maybe we should let female car mechanics into the group.
Maybe I should clear that with my wife first…
Ho well, I'll be in contact again soon. I'll leave you with my top tips for telling a baby's backside from his or her elbow:
- If it smells bad then it's probably the backside. No guarantees, though. Where's the baby been? When was the baby last washed (in clean water)?
- If it's in a nappy then, again, it's probably the backside. Still no guarantees, though – you may have got it wrong last time.
- If it's sharp and in your eye then it's the elbow every time. Unless it's a knee. Or the TV remote. Or a brick. Or…